Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Fuck Fucking Cancer!

I was having some me-time window shopping in town yesterday (I'm in Italy at the moment) whilst my mum was looking after Little Miss G. I bumped into a high school friend and was delighted as I don't really get the chance to see old friends and classmates living abroad and all that. At the simple question "How are you?". She looked at me and said "Shit! I got cancer!". I was in shock. Us Italian are direct like that, so I wasn't shocked she told me or how she did, I was shocked about hearing her news. I was actually angry too.


My friend is 35 years old, has a 3 year old boy and had her life in front of her. She is an only child and has parents who adore her and dote on her little boy. Well, this friend of mine, was trying for baby number two, was on the health kick, folic acid, the works, when she had two cases of really high and erratic fevers. Her GP was away and the substitute GP sent her for some tests. Two weeks later, she was in hospital having what everyone thought was a cysts operated. It turns out she has a really rare cancer, that is always recurring and will never stop forming altogether.


The prognosis is diabolical. 5 years should be fine, 10 years hopefully likely, anything around 15 or more a possibility, but very remote. The boy is 3 years old, she is now forever looking at him hoping that she'll 'last' enough to see him turn 10, or 15, or 18. She is not trying for number two any more, she is considering quitting work even though she is terrified that she'll just get sad and bored once he is in school in a couple of years.


Of course I was speechless at first, but then I tried to tell her that cancer research moves fast, that one never knows, but who am I kidding? There is no sweetener to this pill. Her parents are distraught and her husband has taken it really badly. He loves his wife, he doesn't want to raise a boy without a mum.


The whole situation fucking sucks! Cancer sucks! My dad died of it. I was 5 years old, he was 34. I hardly remember him and that in itself sucks! There is no point to this post but to just rant, pour my heart out and try to press hard on my keyboard every time I type 'Cancer fucking sucks!' 


What also really sucks is the fact that a small part of me, an ashamed part of me, walked away from seeing my friend, wiped away the tears, toughened up and went home to hug Little Miss G really hard whilst thinking 'Thank Fuck it's not me, baby!' There, I thought it, I admit it, I wrote it. I feel fucking awful for thinking it, but I did. And hugged Miss G. And squeezed her a bit.

5 comments:

  1.  And furthermore, I am so sorry that you grew up without your dad and getting the chance to know him. It's crap.

    You shouldn't feel guilty for being thankful that it wasn't you, that's human nature.

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  2. Oh chick, how bloody awful for your friend and her family. When we have children we just assume we'll live to see them marry and start a family of their own, to be constantly 'waiting to not die' must be horrendous for her. 

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  3. Very powerful post. I think everyone thinks that after they hear something so tragic. I hope that your friend makes the most of the time she has left (and I hope in the time she has left a cure is found that will prolong her life!). I'm very sorry that you lost your father at such a young age. I can see why you hugged your little one extra hard that day.

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  4. there is no need to apologise - it is YOUR blog aftrerall and your opinions and i for one agree!! and there is nothing wrong with thinking what you did, I think we have all thought it or something try similar at one time if not more. i am sorry for your friend though and I am sad to hear about your dad - big hugs your way xx

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  5. citygirlnomore27 June 2012 23:37

    You are just normal feeling what you thought.  I too lost my dad young to cancer and have a friend with young kids struggling with it.  It's not fair, there is nothing fair about it at all.  It doesn't discriminate and gives little warning.  Hope your friend gets to see the higher end of her time, but what a sentence to have hanging over you!  They are making advances all the time, fingers crossed for her and you keep hugging your little girl x

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