This coming week could be the best or worst of my life, depending on the results of a biopsy of someone really close to me. I've already ranted a lot about cancer here and here and also here, but I'm not interested in wasting any energy in thinking about it anymore. Yesterday something happened that made me switch my attitude. I was on my laptop and looked at my background picture for the first time in a long time.
I shot this photo when I was on holiday whilst five months pregnant. For years I swore that I would never go to a place like the Maldives where notoriously there is nothing to do. In my mind it always seemed like a dull way to spend a holiday. Then I went whilst pregnant and I connected with my bump and my husband and I enjoyed a slow pace of life for the first time in two decades. I remember feeling very empowered by the impending motherhood and just generally very strong, calm and positive about life.
I used this picture as my happy place in my hypnobirthing sessions and even packed a copy of it in my hospital bag, but never before yesterday did I notice the big clouds. I might have gone mad, but I started to think that there can't be happiness without the clouds or it would be all too dull. I convinced myself that all the bad news of the past two weeks must be the inevitable clouds, but now there's got to be fine blue sky and crystal waters for a while.
It is as if something clicked in my head and there is no space left for negativity or doubt. It is as if I am willing for that good news to happen, for those 'all clear' words to be uttered and for cancer to fuck right off of my life.